Broken Heart Rehab

Posts Tagged ‘The Ex’

One of the toughest things about a break up is breaking the habit. By "the habit", I mean the routines and rituals that are created in a relationship. For example, every Thursday night my ex and I would watch our favorite shows together. Once the relationship bit the dust, Thursdays really sucked. It was one of the many reminders of what we once had and did together.

For a few weeks, I would sulk on Thursdays. I would even watch our shows and cry. But all that did was slow my healing process down. It wasn’t easy, but I created a new ritual for that night. Now, that is my night out with my girlfriends. It took some time, but what was once a painful day became a day I looked forward to.

What old habits are you hanging onto? Even more, do you still partake in them solo for the mere painful reminder? If so, I suggest you replace your old habits with your ex with new ones that are just for you. Do you want even more of a challenge? Then change it to something so different, you won’t even have a trace of your ex in it.

For example, was Monday night "movie night" from your past? Then now it is "bowling night", or "sushi rolling night". Don’t do anything that reminds you of your ex. You actually will start to enjoy your new routine that is custom made for the fabulous new you!

Feeling lonely? Confused? If you have a broken heart, than you probably do. It is ok to feel sad and lost during this time. More than likely you are feeling vulnerable as well.

I know that when I feel this way, there is something I always tend to do. Call the ex. And I don’t mean my recent ex. I am talking about the ex ex! The one from before your last relationship.  Why do I do this? It is not because I want to get back together with them.  It is more like I feel “safe.”  This person already knows me and probably has some feelings. The bottom line? My ego needs a stroking! 

If your ex ex is not in a new relationship and you are up front with your intention (not get back together), than this can be harmless an actually a nice distraction for awhile. But if he or she has moved on, trotting on that territory is not cool and can lead to trouble. 

My advice? If you want some comfort from the ex ex, make sure you are in the same boat with each other. Otherwise, you are bound to paddle backwards.

One day your up, one day your down. It is common to experience a roller coaster of emotions while going through a break up. Some days, I feel great being single! I love the freedom. I enjoy spending more time with my friends and not answering to anybody. I even enjoy doing things and going places alone! But there are other days that are different. Some days, I feel sad and lonely, and a bit lost.

This is common for people who are living solo. Not having a constant companion to bounce ideas and stories off of can be strange, especially if you have been used to doing that in the past. But here at BHR, we have a few ways to help ease those not-so-great days.

1. Start a “Good Day” journal.

Writing down your feelings when you are sad is easy. How about keeping a journal only for the days that you feel good? When you are happy and feeling great about your single life, write it down. Document what you love about it. When you are having sad day, reference your “Good Day” journal. Remind yourself of your positive emotions.

2. Challenge your thoughts.

It is easy to get into a mental routine. This means to repeat the same thoughts and emotions over and over. Next time you find yourself going to the same negative thought that you have been having for a long time, challenge it with a different thought. Make these thoughts mirrors, and completely reverse your feeling on it.

3. Adopt a pet.

If you do not have a pet, now may be a great time to get one. Animals bring much life into a home, and are wonderful companions! Your local shelter will have many animals that are in need of a good home, and knowing that you rescued a life will bring much joy to your heart! If you feel you are not ready for the responsibility of an animal, plants and flowers in your home will bring life into it.

4. Create a list of your perfect mate.

Make a list of ten things that you want out of a partner. Be as specific as possible. This list will be your guide. If you begin dating, see how your date matches this list. Do not compromise and stay as true to what you desire as possible.

Being single can be a very exciting time in your life! Know that it is common and ok to have lonely days. But remember; the one thing worse than being alone is wishing that you were alone.

We’ve all been there.  You’re at a holiday party.  You are in a fixed location close enough to the punch bowl, yet far enough from the exit that you can’t easily escape when your ex walks up.  What’s a newly-single supposed to do?  One one hand, you want to "play it cool" or act confident that you don’t care that he or she is there.  But, the reality is, your ex’s presence at the holiday party makes you want to dart advent candy in his or her direction. 

The ladies of BHR have come up with this guide to help you escape the presence of your ex at holiday parties this season:

1.    If you know your ex will be there, don’t reject the invitation to the party.  Rather, find out your exes ETA, and plan your arrival accordingly. 

2.    If your ex unexpectedly shows up to a holiday part that you are attending, play it cool by making minimal (if any) eye contact and have a polite (yet cold) greeting, like, "Hi EX," and immediately resume conversation.

3.    If your ex unexpectedly shows up AND wants to talk to you for some reason, be prepared with a stock buzz phrase, "Hi EX. I know you’d like to talk, but this isn’t the best setting. You understand, don’t you?" and scurry away.

4.    If your ex unexpectedly shows up AND wants to talk ABOUT you, also be prepared for this worst-case scenario. Some (crazy) people like to piss on what they perceive to be their territories, and find that trash talking is a way to go about this.  If you are forced to gracefully exit, do say goodbye and thank you to the host, not mentioning the ex-capades. 

BHR received this article from one of our followers, Ashley, from Rhode Island. We think it is a great article and wanted to share it with everyone. Thanks Ashley!
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I confess. I did it. I broke up with a guy for all the wrong reasons, or so I’m told.

Our break up started with the four famous last words, "we need to talk." After months of building up the courage to tell him that I just wasn’t that into him (yes, I said months), I could finally say it. Why, you ask? Well, I finally had a reason … that I could put into one sentence.

"It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ready for a serious relationship."
What a lie. The truth was I was ready for a serious relationship, but, just not with him.

Yes, he was a well-to-do, handsome yuppie. Yes, he had a dog with a picket fence. Yes, he had values. But, just because he looked good on paper, didn’t mean he was right for me.

Let’s call it the pizza theory. I like a bunch of things independently: chocolate, goat cheese, sour patch kids. When you check the boxes and try to order a pizza with all these things as toppings, they don’t necessarily taste good.
Likewise, this guy had a bunch of great qualities (looks, deep pockets, drive, intellect, and generosity), but, put them together and we had a hot mess of an insecure guy, who wined about television show plots, snored, and criticized everything and anyone.

I had to break up with him, but, I couldn’t tell him the real reason(s). It would only lead to a fight or debate, neither of which would have a productive result. So I ended the relationship, giving him the wrong reason because it was the right thing for me.

Moral of the story… Don’t simplify compatibility down to a check-the-box form; look at the big picture. If you don’t do that, you’ll only get a slice of what a relationship is supposed to be.