Broken Heart Rehab

Posts Tagged ‘ex’

A girlfriend of mine recently told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because he had anger issues. Thank goodness! I am thrilled she had enough common sense to know that when you are with someone that has anger issues it does not get better. Now can a person change? Absolutely. But you don’t need to be the guinea pig and stick around to find out if that will ever be a possibility. And just like the old saying goes, “A leopard never his spots.” That is a tough pill to swallow.

Do you need to find out why the person is angry? No. If you do not have children with this man, run. Get out of dodge. If you do have children, go to counseling, immediately. Anger is probably one of the worst characteristics of a potential life-mate. Anger manifests itself so many different ways. It can make you sick, emotionally and physically. It can, and usually does, make you angry, scared and sad. And last, but certainly not least, it can be very dangerous and even life threatening.

We are obviously not talking about the once in awhile “I’m pissed at the world so I’m in a bad mood for a day” type of normal person. We are talking about someone with deep-seated rage. And you know in your gut which type of guy you are with. Stick to your instincts. Step out of the situation and imagine if one of your friends was dating a guy with the same rage that your partner has. What would you tell her? Listen to your own advice. And always, if you feel you can not get out of a bad situation, call for help. Call a friend, a family member, a women’s shelter or the police. Get out sooner rather than later. There are lots of great guys out there that know how to appropriately express their emotions.

Remember the old saying, “curiosity killed the cat”? Don’t let your curiosity about your ex’s whereabouts, relationship status, status updates, job (you get the picture) compel you to hit “Accept” – or even worst “Add Friend” – when using today’s social networking sites.  It’s very tempting to be given an all access pass to view all the intimate details about what your ex is doing, but you must reject the invitation. Think about it like this: if you’re not friends with the person in real life, why would you befriend them in cyberspace?  The ladies of BHR recommend that you remember another old saying when deciding whether to become cyber friends with your ex: “Just Say No.” 

If you are going through a break-up, chances are things may be a bit chaotic. Besides your wave of emotions, you may find yourself acting in ways you never did before. For example, you may be partaking in activities and events you never even took interest in before. Some people feel a bit reckless after the end of a relationship. All of the sudden, a night at the bar or a wild party sounds like a good idea!

It is understandable to act "out of character" while going through a big change. I actually think it is a good thing. All the activities
that you may have once felt held back from are now available to you.My advice? Take it on! But, not all at once. While the "new you" is a wonderful thing to become, take it in stride. Anything in excess can potentially be harmful.

I suggest finding balance between new activities. If going out on the town is your new love, then reserve at least one or two nights in.  Take these personal nights as a time to rest and reflect. Staying in every night? Then, take a night or two to go out. Even just a movie, a long walk, or a drink with a close friend is healthy. It will speed your progress by shifting a constant perspective. Creating simple balance while your new self emerges is important! And in the meanwhile, enjoy the change and the beautiful new you!

Tis’ the season to be jolly, right? Maybe not if you’ve recently split from your significant other. The holidays can be a particularly challenging time for our recently-single friends, but the ladies of BHR have come up with some coping strategies to help you turn a bah-humbug into a fa-la-la-la-la:

1.    Be Merry.  We get that it can be very depressing to see snuggly couples sharing holiday joy.  Rather than characterize these interactions as painful reminders that you are no longer in that relationship, be happy for those PDA-poster children.  The positive energy you’ll send out will come back to you in no time.

2.    Plan in advance.  If you’re left with no plans because of the break up, don’t fret and make plans. Whether this is reconnecting with family, or planning to volunteer at a charitable organization in November or December, you control the key to your social calendar.  Unlock the possibilities.

3.    Retail therapy.  We’re not advocating full-on credit card debt, but there’s nothing wrong with a little retail therapy during the holidays, especially given the amazing sales! Buy that sexy red dress that you will wear to your company’s holiday party (and stand under the mistletoe while you’re at it).

I really hate myself for loving my ex. I just cannot figure out how to stop thinking about him or caring about him. He was such a jerk. He definitely does not deserve a minute of my thoughts, much less, hour after hour, that I have been giving him. I know that he is not thinking of me like that (well, I have many a fantasy that he is obsessing over me and crying himself to sleep but I know better). I wish I felt like he feels- uncaring, cold and unresponsive. How did I ever let myself get so obsessed about one guy?

I was never that attracted to him in the first place. He kinda grew on me over time, like a fungus. And then, some how, I was head over heels. Ok, maybe not head over heels, (there were plenty of things that I would have changed about him) but I was definitely in deep. And he loved it. I was his prize. I was way out of his league (yes, stroking my own ego but telling the truth). And he knew it. People would question me all of the time as to why I was with him. Of all the people on the planet, everyone wanted to know, why him. But, like I said, the fungus had grabbed a hold of me and would not let me go.

So you can see my absolute shock and dismay when he broke up with me, I just could not figure it out. I was the one that should have left him. I was the one that deserved better. How did I let myself get dumped?? And, more importantly, why did I care so very much. After I spent many a day asking myself this question, I had to come to the realization that the biggest thing that he did to me was he bruised my ego.

Ah, yes, my ego. I did not ever see the fungus leaving me. I felt very secure in that fact. It sent me for an absolute tailspin when he broke up with me. I had thought about us not being together but I had always pictured it would be ME breaking up with him. Never, ever, did I think that he would break up with me. So when he did, I thought the world had tuned upside down. It just didn’t make any sense.

So here I am. I can continue to hate myself for loving him and bruising my ego or I can love myself enough to let him go. This has nothing to do with him. Well, maybe a little, but most of it has to do with me. I need to put a bandage on my ego and dust myself off and move on. I have let too many a day waste away over him. He was not worth it then and he is definitely not worth it now. I believe that every single person you date will teach you something. Most of them teach you what you are not looking for in a life-long mate. And a few will teach you what you are looking for. My fungus definitely taught me plenty about what I am not interested in.

My ego and my heart are wounded. But like Gloria Gayner says, I will survive. I will go on. And I will love again. This time, I have learned not to settle. I deserve someone who I truly love and who I am genuinely attracted to. Not just someone who grows on me after time. I want to thank the fungus for teaching me many things. Most importantly, to always trust my instincts, to know when to get out of a bad relationship and to never let any foreign substance grow on me because that is just gross. Really, gross.