Broken Heart Rehab

Posts Tagged ‘Break up advice’

It is inevitable that at some point in a relationship, you will hit a road bump. While the degree and nature of the road bump will vary from relationship to relationship, disruption of the status quo in any relationship is enough to cause concern.  For some of us who hit these road bumps, our initial instinct might be to break up with the person.  Such a Draconian decision is not always necessary, and you should always take a step back before making a decision that could lead to a break-up.

Here’s an example: one of our clients emailed us frantic because her beau-of-the-moment posted a questionable status update on a popular social networking site that said "rocking out at [insert popular bar here]."  For our client, the questionable part was not the Jersey Shore reference.  The questionable part for her was "who is he rocking out with?" and "is she a 5’9 supermodel?" and "is her tongue down his throat?"   She immediately wanted to break up with her otherwise (her words) "amazing" guy who she’d been seeing for several months.

We’re going to give you the self-evaluation tips that we gave our client to help you if you hit one of these road bumps:

1.    Identify what upset you.    Are you upset because you have something to be upset about, or are you just speculating?  Figuring out what upset you is the best starting point.  For our client, it was the status update which suggested he was having fun without her.

2.    Take one step back.     Try to be objective. We know, it’s difficult to be objective when it’s your relationship. But, take a step back, and pretend you’re advising your best girl or guy friend.  What would you tell them? Write that down, and say it out loud to yourself.

3.    Figure out why you’re upset.  In our client’s case, she didn’t care that he was at the popular bar with his guy friends.  What she cared about is that his play-by-play of the club scene evoked images of scantily clad club-goers, and the debauchery that we only read about in USWeekly.  She was previously cheated on, and assumed that this "awesome" guy would not be able to resist the temptations that her past boyfriends were unable to resist.  Figure out why you’re upset – is it because you think they’ll cheat on you? they’ll break up with you because they find someone more attractive? And then move on to step four to determine…

4.    Is it you, or is it them?  Obviously, if the person has given you a reason to be upset, then it might be time to call it quits.  However, if the road bump is something that is a caused by your speculation, jealousy, or extreme caution (side note: we think it’s good to be cautious), take a deep breath before you resort to breaking up. 

5.    Talk to your significant other.  This is the tough part.  You can’t suffer in silence, and a good partner will listen to you and try to work through your emotions.  We recommend not being accusatory, and just being honest: "I appreciate/love/like/care about you so much, but, my insecurities/past relationships/etc. are getting the best of me and it’s not your fault.  I just have to let you know what I’m struggling with.  You see, the other day when…"  Direct? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes.  But, it’s probably a more subtle approach than saying "I know you cheated on me with that Victoria Secret model when you went clubbing last week! Tell me you didn’t"

We hope these tips will help you next time you hit a road bump in your relationship.  Remember, the key to an effective relationship is communication and confidence.  Engage in both, and you will have success in any relationship.

Just like relationships, sometimes you have to break up with friends. Often times – especially if it is a "college" or "childhood" – we stick it out for no other reason than loyalty or, even worse, longevity. What we have to remember is that friendships are not collectibles, and unless they grow and enrich your life, it’s time to part ways. So just what are the top 4 reasons we find as legit reasons to tell that "friend" that you’re just not into them? Here is our list:

1. It is a one sided friendship. It is their world and you’re just living in it. You find yourself accommodating them all of the time.

2. It is boring. Life is too short to be bored. We are cerebral creatures and need stimuli. If the most stimulating thing your friend has to say is how many calories she at for lunch, it’s time to say "check please."

3. Your friend is mean. This is the most obvious reason to break up with a friend. However, you would believe how much bullying people put up with just because they went to kindergarten/college/or any other school environment with someone! Next time your "friend" criticizes your appearance or hits on your significant other, ask them to explain why you’re still friends.

4. They guilt you into things. Someone who truly respects you, your time, and your commitments would never try to make you feel guilty for not going with them somewhere or not doing something for them. Say bon voyage next time your "friend" gives you a guilt trip.

Just remember, learning to let go is an important quality to have. When the bad outweighs the good, sometimes you just have to do it.

Breaking up is hard to do. Getting over it is even harder. There are, however, some coping strategies to help you get through a relationship transition.

1. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t expect to “get over” a break up in one day. Rebuilding yourself after a break up is like rebuilding a city. It takes time. Realize that you need to start with basic building blocks (e.g. Shelter, food, rest) to build a strong foundation.

2. Time heals all wounds. Like the pain suffered in a physical injury, pain from a break up is treatable with proper care. Though you can’t take an advil to heal the pain from a break up, you can take other steps to heal your heart. Take walks. Cook yourself a nice dinner. Relax. Figure out what and who makes you happy to make time pass more pleasantly.

3. If you fail to plan, plan to fail. You must take control of all aspects of your life after a break up. If you had certain rituals with your ex on certain nights, plan something else. If there are certain triggers that will make you sad or reminiscent, avoid them. If you inherit friends (or family) in a break up, control and manage your communications by coming up with buzz phrases to avoid talking about “what it was” or “what it might have been.”

4. Ask and you shall receive. It is important to ask for what you need during a break up period. If you want to spend time with friends, ask them. If you need time alone, ask for it. If you need help from a professional, ask for it.

5. Just do it. You CAN do it. Healing after a broken heart may seem like an insurmountable task but it is not. Just trust in yourself and your support network that you will get through it!

One day your up, one day your down. It is common to experience a roller coaster of emotions while going through a break up. Some days, I feel great being single! I love the freedom. I enjoy spending more time with my friends and not answering to anybody. I even enjoy doing things and going places alone! But there are other days that are different. Some days, I feel sad and lonely, and a bit lost.

This is common for people who are living solo. Not having a constant companion to bounce ideas and stories off of can be strange, especially if you have been used to doing that in the past. But here at BHR, we have a few ways to help ease those not-so-great days.

1. Start a “Good Day” journal.

Writing down your feelings when you are sad is easy. How about keeping a journal only for the days that you feel good? When you are happy and feeling great about your single life, write it down. Document what you love about it. When you are having sad day, reference your “Good Day” journal. Remind yourself of your positive emotions.

2. Challenge your thoughts.

It is easy to get into a mental routine. This means to repeat the same thoughts and emotions over and over. Next time you find yourself going to the same negative thought that you have been having for a long time, challenge it with a different thought. Make these thoughts mirrors, and completely reverse your feeling on it.

3. Adopt a pet.

If you do not have a pet, now may be a great time to get one. Animals bring much life into a home, and are wonderful companions! Your local shelter will have many animals that are in need of a good home, and knowing that you rescued a life will bring much joy to your heart! If you feel you are not ready for the responsibility of an animal, plants and flowers in your home will bring life into it.

4. Create a list of your perfect mate.

Make a list of ten things that you want out of a partner. Be as specific as possible. This list will be your guide. If you begin dating, see how your date matches this list. Do not compromise and stay as true to what you desire as possible.

Being single can be a very exciting time in your life! Know that it is common and ok to have lonely days. But remember; the one thing worse than being alone is wishing that you were alone.

1. You only have to answer to yourself

10. No need to explain yourself when you get home from the bar "too late"