I Hate Myself For Loving You
I really hate myself for loving my ex. I just cannot figure out how to stop thinking about him or caring about him. He was such a jerk. He definitely does not deserve a minute of my thoughts, much less, hour after hour, that I have been giving him. I know that he is not thinking of me like that (well, I have many a fantasy that he is obsessing over me and crying himself to sleep but I know better). I wish I felt like he feels- uncaring, cold and unresponsive. How did I ever let myself get so obsessed about one guy?
I was never that attracted to him in the first place. He kinda grew on me over time, like a fungus. And then, some how, I was head over heels. Ok, maybe not head over heels, (there were plenty of things that I would have changed about him) but I was definitely in deep. And he loved it. I was his prize. I was way out of his league (yes, stroking my own ego but telling the truth). And he knew it. People would question me all of the time as to why I was with him. Of all the people on the planet, everyone wanted to know, why him. But, like I said, the fungus had grabbed a hold of me and would not let me go.
So you can see my absolute shock and dismay when he broke up with me, I just could not figure it out. I was the one that should have left him. I was the one that deserved better. How did I let myself get dumped?? And, more importantly, why did I care so very much. After I spent many a day asking myself this question, I had to come to the realization that the biggest thing that he did to me was he bruised my ego.
Ah, yes, my ego. I did not ever see the fungus leaving me. I felt very secure in that fact. It sent me for an absolute tailspin when he broke up with me. I had thought about us not being together but I had always pictured it would be ME breaking up with him. Never, ever, did I think that he would break up with me. So when he did, I thought the world had tuned upside down. It just didn’t make any sense.
So here I am. I can continue to hate myself for loving him and bruising my ego or I can love myself enough to let him go. This has nothing to do with him. Well, maybe a little, but most of it has to do with me. I need to put a bandage on my ego and dust myself off and move on. I have let too many a day waste away over him. He was not worth it then and he is definitely not worth it now. I believe that every single person you date will teach you something. Most of them teach you what you are not looking for in a life-long mate. And a few will teach you what you are looking for. My fungus definitely taught me plenty about what I am not interested in.
My ego and my heart are wounded. But like Gloria Gayner says, I will survive. I will go on. And I will love again. This time, I have learned not to settle. I deserve someone who I truly love and who I am genuinely attracted to. Not just someone who grows on me after time. I want to thank the fungus for teaching me many things. Most importantly, to always trust my instincts, to know when to get out of a bad relationship and to never let any foreign substance grow on me because that is just gross. Really, gross.
- by Broken Heart Rehab
- posted at 11:51 am
- November 9, 2009