It is inevitable that at some point in a relationship, you will hit a road bump. While the degree and nature of the road bump will vary from relationship to relationship, disruption of the status quo in any relationship is enough to cause concern.  For some of us who hit these road bumps, our initial instinct might be to break up with the person.  Such a Draconian decision is not always necessary, and you should always take a step back before making a decision that could lead to a break-up.

Here’s an example: one of our clients emailed us frantic because her beau-of-the-moment posted a questionable status update on a popular social networking site that said "rocking out at [insert popular bar here]."  For our client, the questionable part was not the Jersey Shore reference.  The questionable part for her was "who is he rocking out with?" and "is she a 5’9 supermodel?" and "is her tongue down his throat?"   She immediately wanted to break up with her otherwise (her words) "amazing" guy who she’d been seeing for several months.

We’re going to give you the self-evaluation tips that we gave our client to help you if you hit one of these road bumps:

1.    Identify what upset you.    Are you upset because you have something to be upset about, or are you just speculating?  Figuring out what upset you is the best starting point.  For our client, it was the status update which suggested he was having fun without her.

2.    Take one step back.     Try to be objective. We know, it’s difficult to be objective when it’s your relationship. But, take a step back, and pretend you’re advising your best girl or guy friend.  What would you tell them? Write that down, and say it out loud to yourself.

3.    Figure out why you’re upset.  In our client’s case, she didn’t care that he was at the popular bar with his guy friends.  What she cared about is that his play-by-play of the club scene evoked images of scantily clad club-goers, and the debauchery that we only read about in USWeekly.  She was previously cheated on, and assumed that this "awesome" guy would not be able to resist the temptations that her past boyfriends were unable to resist.  Figure out why you’re upset – is it because you think they’ll cheat on you? they’ll break up with you because they find someone more attractive? And then move on to step four to determine…

4.    Is it you, or is it them?  Obviously, if the person has given you a reason to be upset, then it might be time to call it quits.  However, if the road bump is something that is a caused by your speculation, jealousy, or extreme caution (side note: we think it’s good to be cautious), take a deep breath before you resort to breaking up. 

5.    Talk to your significant other.  This is the tough part.  You can’t suffer in silence, and a good partner will listen to you and try to work through your emotions.  We recommend not being accusatory, and just being honest: "I appreciate/love/like/care about you so much, but, my insecurities/past relationships/etc. are getting the best of me and it’s not your fault.  I just have to let you know what I’m struggling with.  You see, the other day when…"  Direct? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes.  But, it’s probably a more subtle approach than saying "I know you cheated on me with that Victoria Secret model when you went clubbing last week! Tell me you didn’t"

We hope these tips will help you next time you hit a road bump in your relationship.  Remember, the key to an effective relationship is communication and confidence.  Engage in both, and you will have success in any relationship.

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