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Breakups Hurt. We Can Help.

Breaking Up and Losing Friends

photo There are times after a breakup that you will lose friends along with your significant other. This just adds salt to the wound. It is bad enough that the love of your life is no longer with you but to lose a friend, also, is very painful. A lot of the time these friends are mutual friends of you and your ex. So, unfortunately, they are put in the sticky situation of choosing a side. It usually comes down to who they have known the longest or who they are better friends with when they pick a person to stay loyal to. They are not in a good situation, either, so you have to remember to give them some slack.

In almost all of my serious relationships, I have lost mutual friends along the way once my boyfriend and I have broken up. It is sad but true. If you have become great friends with his best friend’s girlfriend, chances are that relationship will end. The girlfriend is in a terrible predicament because she still has to hang out with your ex when she is with her boyfriend. And if she is hanging out with you, she feels like she is betraying your ex and her boyfriend. Not good. And why do you want to still hang out with her? Was she really that great of a friend? Or do you secretly hope that you can find out what your ex is up to if you stay in touch with his best friend’s girl? If the latter is the case, then you are in a whole heap of trouble. You are inflicting pain onto yourself that is not necessary. By continuing to hear about your ex, and what he is up to, you stay rooted in the past. You need to move on to the future. And by cutting ties with your “source” you are doing just that.

Now if you are truly good friends with a mutual friend of your ex’s, then you need to have a conversation with him or her and be completely honest. Let him or her know that you value their friendship. You realize they are in an uncomfortable situation but you will do your best to make them as comfortable as you can. You want to continue being friends and you will not—under any circumstance—bring up your ex. You may be in pain but you will deal with this grief with your other non-mutual friends and not subject him or her to that prickly conversation. If you need some time away from your friend, so that you can mourn your relationship from your ex and not impinge on them your sadness, then tell him or her exactly that. If they are receptive to all of this, then and only then can you start to move forward with the friendship independent from your ex. If they are not interested in remaining friends because it would be too hard, respect that and move on.

A lot of mutual friends are really cool people. But would you really have even been friends with them if you did not have the common factor of a person that is no longer in your life? Usually the answer is no. So why keep them in your life. Life is too short to have people in it that could be toxic by just being around. And who needs a constant reminder of your old significant other.

Sometimes there are casualties in breakups. And if you cannot remain friends with a mutual friend of your ex’s, then c’est la vie. You will find other friends. And if they are a true friend, then they will end up still there for you in the end. True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and value – Ben Johnson.

  • by Broken Heart Rehab
  • posted at 7:00 am
  • November 16, 2009

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  • Anonymous
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  • 7:05 am on July 26, 2013

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