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Ask Us | Broken Heart Rehab

Ask Us

Broken Hearts Hurt. We Can Help.

Dear BHR,

I have this really bad habit where I find flaws in every guy I date, and then break up with them for trivial reasons.  I broke up with the last guy I dated because he, among other fashion faux pas, wore cargo shorts every single time we went out.  I broke up with the guy before that because he sent me too many texts.  Am I being to harsh? Am I a self-saboteur?

TB, Los Angeles, CA

Dear TB,

Harsh? No. Self-sabotaging? Well, it depends. Listen up- it’s great that you know what you want, and (sometimes more importantly) what you don’t want and what you’re not attracted to.  However, if you are getting frustrated because you are doing this with EVERY person that you date, you may want to explore why you’re doing this.  For some, it may be a protection mechanism to guard your heart before it gets broken.  For others, it may be the fear of dating seriously. And, for a small part of the population, it may simply be bad luck.  Whatever the reason is, identify it, tackle it, and move forward. At all costs, don’t stay in a relationship that you’re not happy in.

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Dear BHR,

Ever since my ex and I broke up, I have been partying a lot! I stay out all night drinking and feel horrible the next day. At first I thought it was fun, but now I am starting to just feel worse. Do I have a problem?

Jen, Kansas City

 

Dear Jen,

We don’t think you have a problem, but it could lead to one. This is your way of coping with the pain. Although that may be ok for a short stint, over time it is very harmful.

Instead of dealing with your emotions, you are pushing them away, or "drinking them down." It may seem to help for the time, but once you sober up, there the feelings are! They will not go away until you process them.

Instead of hitting the bottle when you feel bad, allow yourself to stay sober and feel the emotion. It will be painful, but it is essential for the healing process. The more you let yourself feel the emotion, the faster you ill be able to move on. Then, you can have a drink to celebrate your new found happiness!

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Dear BHR,

I think my boyfriend is seeing another girl. He makes excuses not to see me when we have plans, and often does not answer my calls. This is not like him. What should I do?

Erin, Louisville

Dear Erin,

First, give it a little more time. Ask him about his day and gauge his reaction. If you still feel unsure, just ask him. Tell him that he is acting different, and if there is a reason for that. Try to be calm and collected. Whatever you do, don’t snoop! That leads to unwanted troubles and false leads.  Good luck!

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Dear BHR,

My ex-boyfriend and I haven’t talked in 2 weeks since our break up. He called me tonight around 11:00 p.m. and wants to know whether I would come to his house to “talk.” I get the feeling that he wants to do more than that, but I miss him so badly. Do I stay or do I go?

Vicki, from Seattle

Dear Vicki,

We will echo the the famous words of Amy Winehouse, and say “No, No, No.” Answering a booty call from your ex can only lead to more heartache and confusion. Respected yourself enough to know that if he truly wants to “talk” to you, he’d take you to your favorite restaurant where your clothes could stay on. Also, if you don’t feel that you can resist him in person, talk on the phone until you clear things up more. Check out our article about “Sex with the Ex”.

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Dear Broken Heart Rehab,

I am in love with two men. What should I do? I don’t want to break one’s heart and I definitely don’t want my heart to be broken. Help!!

Cindy, Manhattan, NY

Dear Cindy,

Eek! Sticky situation. Have you read Twilight’s New Moon? Bella has the same predicament. Think about it long and hard. You do know in your heart of hearts the person you really want to be with. You need to listen to your heart. Don’t play it safe. Go with your gut. Go with the person that you are attracted to and you can see yourself with him down the line. I’m sure both of these guys are great guys. But there is only one great guy that is great for you. Which is it? You cannot have your cake and eat it to with this one. It is just not fair. So you need to be fair to them and to yourself and make a choice. Let the guy that you are not picking down easily. He will be upset. Be prepared. Let him know you care for him so much and this was a gut wrenching decision but you had to go with your heart. You hope that you can remain friends and you will always care about him. It may feel like you are being a horrible person but you are actually being kind. By being honest, direct and letting him down easily, you are showing lots of compassion. Good luck, we know you can do it.

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Dear BHR,

This guy I was dating seriously just phased me out. (okay, maybe were not dating seriously, but I seriously wanted to date him). Anyway, the details are unimportant. I really miss him because I never got to know how wonderful of a boyfriend he could have been. I’ve taken to driving by his house, calling and hanging up, and his Facebook page is my home page of my laptop. Am I making myself crazy or am I doing research for my future with him?

Alice, from the O.C.

Dear Alice,

First things first, go to www.brokenheartrehab.com, and make BHR your home page instead of his Facebook. If you want to drive somewhere, drive to the gym, to see a friend, to get coffee, or any other activity that doesn’t involve an activity that could get you thrown in jail (stalking is illegal and just wrong…although some of us are guilty of the crime of obsession). Stalking your ex does no good. Read about it in our article, “The Pitfalls of Post-Break Up Internet Stalking”.

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Dear Broken Heart Rehab,

I recently broke up with my ex. I just wasn’t feeling like I was in

love with him anymore! It took me a really long time to do it. Now that we broke up, I miss them terribly an feel like I made a mistake. Should I try to get him back, or is this normal to feel this way?

Amy, North Carolina

Dear Amy,

It is so normal to feel that way after a break up, even if you are the one that initiated it! My feeling is you are missing the comfort and normalcy that you were uses to, and not so much your relationship. I think that because you said you were not in love with him anymore, and that is a big deal! When your love is gone, it is very hard to maintain an authentic connection.

Imagine if you did get back together. You would more than likely go back to being unhappy. Trust that you made the right choice. I suggest giving yourself a month of being single, and then re-evaluate your feelings then.

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Dear BHR,

My ex broke up with me a while back. I have been having a hard time getting over him, but am finally starting to feel better. Now he is calling me again and it brings back old feelings! What should I do?

Confused,

Jennifer

Hi Jennifer! Your situation is not unique. This happens quite a bit! Our suggestion? It is time for YOU to be in control of the situation.  First, decide if you even want to talk to him. Just because he is calling does not mean you have to answer. I suggest if you want to talk, you make the phone call. Do not answer his.

Second, realize you have as much power as he does in this situation.  Because he called it off, you may feel helpless. But you have all the power to move on, rekindle the situation, or whatever you want!

It does not matter who did the leaving in a relationship. What matters is how you respond. Remember, you are not a victim, and you have the right to feel wonderful!

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Dear Broken Heart Rehab,

Help!  My ex has a new girlfriend!!  What am I going to do?  We just broke up a month ago after dating a year.

Maddie, Columbus, OH

Hi Maddie,

First of all, we are so sorry.  This sucks.  Really bad.  Breakups are painful enough and then add a new girl to the mix and it is like pouring salt into the wound.  Augh.  Here’s the lowdown, if he has moved on so quickly then he is not worth missing.  I know, easier said than done, but true.  Also, just so you know, he probably has unresolved issues with your relationship but has pushed those to the side.  Here’s the funny thing, though, when you don’t deal with past issues, they have a way of rearing their ugly head again.  Which means, he will end up having to deal with the reasons your relationship did not work out at some point and he will carry his vices from your relationship into this new relationship. 

People need time to reflect, to heal and to move on.  Now, sometimes you get a lot of time to do that and usually you are better for that time but sometimes, people jump head first back into a different relationship.  This is usually a very bad idea.  Use this time that you are single to do your own reflection.  Get him out of your system.  Read the articles on this site and look toward the future but remember to reflect on the past.  That way when the right guy shows up you will be healed and ready to enjoy yourself without a ghost from the past haunting you.

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Dear Broken Heart Rehab,

My boyfriend just broke up with me.  I really want to go and talk to him at the restaurant where he works.  Is this a good idea?  And what should I say?

Tammy, Orlando, FL

Hi Tammy,

No, this is a really, really bad idea.  We know you are hurting and really want to go see him but you are just going to add more heartache to yourself if you do this. 

First of all, his place of business is not a good place to have a sit down.  No matter who broke up with who, you have to at least respect his right to earn a living without bringing drama to his restaurant. 

Second, he broke up with you.  He has, for whatever reason, decided to end the relationship.  That means he has made up his mind about what he wants.  Depending on the circumstances surrounding the breakup, you might be justified in calling and leaving a message that you would like to talk about it.  But just call once.  Do not psycho stalk and call until you are blue in the face.  I know you want to (I always wanted to), but this just makes you look bad and desperate and reassures him that he did the right thing by breaking up with you.  If he does call you back, say your peace and then move on.  Listen to your heart to know what you should say to him.  Do not beg or plead, just be honest.  You will know that you said what you needed to say and you are done with the situation.  Not the heartache, just done with the heartbreaker.  And if he doesn’t call you back, again, this is your closure.  Write a letter-don’t send it- get all of your emotions out in it and then tear it up.  Rip it into tiny shreds.  You are done.  You have your closure.  I know this is going to hurt you for awhile but you will get through this time and you will come out better for it in the long run.  I promise.  Hang in there and read some of the posts on this website to get you through the tough days.